I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
