come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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