i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All I want is dick and wine.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
