I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
