You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
