You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
