i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
