I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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