I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize