You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
