I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
