Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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