she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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