I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
