I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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