OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
3pm strippers are depressing
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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