How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
