I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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