I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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