I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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