Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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