sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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