I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
