I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
