Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize