Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
