I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
