tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
