I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
