the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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