guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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