My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
