I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Mom said you looked used
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
