yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
