oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
