Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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