im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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