just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
no, he came in my armpit
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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