one two three fourrrrnication!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
