I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
