So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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