i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
