I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
