I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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