you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
