Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
