So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
