so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
