I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
