Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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