don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
