How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
