Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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