so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
