I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
