isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
