I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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