Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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