Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
