what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
