i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
