i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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