when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
