i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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