chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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