shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
